Just When You Get Comfortable...

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. What have I done?
So not only am I questioning whether or not I'll be able to do anything with my life after school here, I'm questioning why I'm here if I'm so unhappy.

Why did I leave the city? It was so spur-of-the-moment. Just one day "hey, I think I'll transfer!" And did it. That was so fucking stupid.

I love, really, love, my boyfriend, and I have wonderful friends, but academically and just overall I'm not happy here.

I don't know what to do.

All I needed tonight was a big, huge, gigantic hug from Jim. I needed it so badly. Went to get in the car to drive over and see him, and my car won't start. I somehow managed to leave the lights on (which are supposed to turn off automatically when the driver's side door opens) when I didn't even drive in the dark today. Great. And he was drinking, so he can't come here. Wonderful. So I called him up in a fit of tears. He's coming tomorrow morning, early. He's going to take me to class and hopefully charge my battery so I can go to work. If not he said I can take his car... I really don't want to do that though. It's a truck, and I'm not entirely comfortable driving trucks, they're too big.

I'm going to go clear off my bed and go to sleep. Hopefully I'll feel a little bit better in the morning. At the very least I'll wake up to my wonderful boyfriend giving me the hug I'm dying for.


That's what I'll drift off to sleep dreaming about.

If you're thinking about transferring... really think about it.
What will you be giving up?
What will you be going to?
What kind of education will you be getting?
Will your teachers have an education themselves?
Will you be in classes that challenge you?
Will you be in a place you feel that you belong?

Sit, and think about it.
Do not rush this.

Festivities!

It was my boyfriend's birthday yesterday :) He turned 21, and was passed out by 10:30, haha.
Tonight they're having a party for him, so it should be a fun night. Right now he's sleeping, trying to make up for yesterday haha. We're going out to dinner before; I'm really excited, we haven't gone out in a long time.

I made a ton of jello shots for the party tonight. Hopefully they came out well... and hopefully they solidify before it's time to go. I need to find a tray somewhere to bring them over, like a bigggg baking sheet. Or two. I wonder if CVS has them? Or Roch's?

Ok, well I'm going to get myself together and figure out what I'm wearing tonight.
:)

Increased Frustration.

I am not entirely sure what to do. I'm tired of this place, I'm tired of the mundane day-to-day lack of a challenge, lack of excitement and enthusiasm. If my teachers are lackadaisical about their job, then why should I extend strenuous effort into it?

I'm frustrated that I am not being pushed. I have not read an entire passage or book I was supposed to read since the first week of school, and it has NOT ONCE been a problem. That in itself is a problem. A teacher should know that you haven't done the work if they are pushing the class and the discussion far enough. Rather than encouraging, even forcing, student conversation and explication of the texts, they simply choose to summarize them.

And, if, on some rare occasion, a student speaks up to give their opinion, their own reading of what the author's intent was, the professor will quickly shoot them down: "Well, that's interesting, but I already told you that he meant x,y,z. So no." At this point in the class, I always feel like just getting up and walking out.

Really, you mean to tell me that you actually knew the author and discussed with him precisely what he meant for the given passage? Well, then by all means, tell me that MY OPINION is incorrect! However, if this is not the case, then sit down and shut the fuck up because your opinion is no more informed than anyone else's in this room. I don't care that you have graduated, have another degree, and are now a teacher. If you're going to tell someone that their opinion is the wrong opinion, then you are obviously an ignorant human being who should not be in a college level classroom.

I think that this is part of why I'm so unsure what to do with my life. I am an English major, and up until last week I had every intention of working for a publisher (or perhaps later having my own publishing corporation), as an editor. I have a low tolerance for bullshit, so I have never entertained the idea of being a teacher. However, we were having a discussion, in the ONLY class where students are encouraged to give their own ideas, about why we were English majors and what we wanted to do with our degree. One student said that he was tired of having professors just run through the material, and how he had one professor who was simply amazing, one who was excited about his topic, got the students to willingly participate in class, and was just all around a great person, who got students to really LEARN rather than sit through class staring into space.

I would love to be a person like that. Someone to get people to enjoy and absorb information rather than having it go in one ear and out the other. I hate that no one explicates, but rather they do a fourth grade level summary-and-analysis. If you don't go deep into the concepts of the text, how will you ever be able to apply that not only to other works of literature, but to real life as well?

It would just be nice to meet someone, a professor especially, who had as much interest in the literature as I do. In Boston all of the professors loved what they taught. They had this great energy, and you couldn't help but get interested. Here... not so much. I don't get it. Aren't there still standards for handing out collegiate teaching jobs?

"Education means inspiring someone’s mind, not just filling their head."
- Katie Lusk

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires."
- William Arthur Ward

These are obvious, right? Then why are they not put into practice?
Where is the passion

A beautiful freezing-cold day.

Well, today had been okay thus far. I had to get up pretty early to finish a project that wouldn't print last night, and then went to classes. I have so much reading to do this afternoon. It's not the reading that bothers me, it's the fact that it's all for nothing. We don't have real discussions, professors have no idea if you've done the work or not, and your thoughts on the work are brushed aside even if you do bring up valid points.

I'm still feeling like this is not the place I'm supposed to be. I've been feeling this way a lot lately, and I'm really wishing that I'd thought my transfer through a little more. It was definitely an impulse move... which should have taken much more consideration. I feel like I have stepped back into high school. I don't have to read, and can write crap papers for an 'A'. Hell, my professor didn't even know the title The Bhagavad-Gita. Seriously? Am I in college still? It really doesn't seem so. Tonight I have to read Windows on the World, which seems like a really quick read. I also need to read an essay about said novel, as well as a number of Middle Ages/Early Modern English selections.

On top of these things, I need to catch up on reading that I never did. Again, this is far too easy to get away with.

I'm going out to dinner with Jim tonight. I'm excited, we haven't gone out somewhere in awhile. This week is his birthday... hopefully all of his gifts work out as planned! :)

I'm waiting on spring. All I want is for it to be warm and skirts and dresses and flip-flops to be everywhere you turn. Flowers and bright colors and that spring scent. It's real. It's out there, it exists, and it needs to come back around. As soon as this happens, I will be in the streets of Boston wandering around, and will end up on the docks by the Charles, singing Elton John. It will be a wonderful time.

I am sick with grief of missing Boston. I wish I could take it back, but at the same time I don't. Aside from a lack of academics and culture, I am content here. I have a wonderful boyfriend and some great friends, and living in Boston would not allow for these people to be such a huge part of my life. ...On the other hand, however, I did leave some of the best people I have ever met up in Boston. They are still my friends, but I miss them terribly. I'll just stick Jim in my suitcase and ship back up to the city. If not for school, then at least for more frequent visits.

I guess I should get started on this reading if I plan on going out tonight.
I'll end with a quote from Emerson's The American Scholar, which I read for class, but obviously will never be able to discuss:

Our age is bewailed as the age of Introversion. Must that needs be evil? We, it seems, are critical; we are embarrassed with second thoughts; we cannot enjoy anything for hankering to know whereof the pleasure consists; we are lined with eyes; we see with our feet; the time is infected with Hamlet's unhappiness,-
"Sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought."